Post by johnny nobody on Sept 15, 2014 15:28:31 GMT
I keep getting these letters from my Uncle Fred
from his twilight home
and you know they quite upset me
but no way am I visiting him
the last time I went it took me
three visits to the laundrette
to get the stench out of my clothes.
"Dear nephew johnny" (old Fred wrote)
"I am a bit more depressed than usual today
which is saying quite a lot as the only thing
which cheers me up is when the old fool
in the next bed gets diarrhoea
after i slip a dogturd in his soup
when he's not looking,
so i'd be very grateful if you'd send me some more as
old mrs brown in the next ward deserves one too
for teasing me about my gouty foot.
"It seems i've been in here for centuries
but it's probably only a couple of years
and the pain since my dear wife your auntie lizzie passed
over to what has to be a better place
than here bearing in mind the smells
emanating from the rest of the patients
in the run-up to bath night
which doesn't help much in the long run
if you are fifth or sixth in line as the water
gets a bit soiled by then.
"I'm getting more and more worried
about the bulgarian who has taken up residence
in the linen cupboard as he could well be
some sort of carpet-slipper thief or even worse
a homosexualist after my ringpiece -
or he might be an islamist who wants
to behead me which would be a blessed relief
if i am to be totally honest with you.
We had a bit of fun the other week when one
of the nigerian nurses forced my neighbour mr smith
to use the bedpan in public as a punishment
for stealing mr jacksons enema kit
or she could have been from liberia
the accents are broadly similar
or so i read in the sunday times travel supplement
they gave us instead of toilet paper when
supplies run out during the dysentery outbreak.
"All the best under the circumstances
from your uncle fred and dont forget you stay
disinherited unless you visit me soon -
no more excuses about your car having
broken down - what do you think i am,
some sort of dementia case?"
It's all very sad, but I have checked Uncle Fred's
bank account and he's just trying it on
as there's no more than a hundred quid in it
and no way am I visiting him for a lousy hundred.
from his twilight home
and you know they quite upset me
but no way am I visiting him
the last time I went it took me
three visits to the laundrette
to get the stench out of my clothes.
"Dear nephew johnny" (old Fred wrote)
"I am a bit more depressed than usual today
which is saying quite a lot as the only thing
which cheers me up is when the old fool
in the next bed gets diarrhoea
after i slip a dogturd in his soup
when he's not looking,
so i'd be very grateful if you'd send me some more as
old mrs brown in the next ward deserves one too
for teasing me about my gouty foot.
"It seems i've been in here for centuries
but it's probably only a couple of years
and the pain since my dear wife your auntie lizzie passed
over to what has to be a better place
than here bearing in mind the smells
emanating from the rest of the patients
in the run-up to bath night
which doesn't help much in the long run
if you are fifth or sixth in line as the water
gets a bit soiled by then.
"I'm getting more and more worried
about the bulgarian who has taken up residence
in the linen cupboard as he could well be
some sort of carpet-slipper thief or even worse
a homosexualist after my ringpiece -
or he might be an islamist who wants
to behead me which would be a blessed relief
if i am to be totally honest with you.
We had a bit of fun the other week when one
of the nigerian nurses forced my neighbour mr smith
to use the bedpan in public as a punishment
for stealing mr jacksons enema kit
or she could have been from liberia
the accents are broadly similar
or so i read in the sunday times travel supplement
they gave us instead of toilet paper when
supplies run out during the dysentery outbreak.
"All the best under the circumstances
from your uncle fred and dont forget you stay
disinherited unless you visit me soon -
no more excuses about your car having
broken down - what do you think i am,
some sort of dementia case?"
It's all very sad, but I have checked Uncle Fred's
bank account and he's just trying it on
as there's no more than a hundred quid in it
and no way am I visiting him for a lousy hundred.
